ohyes_that_girl | Recent Entries

Snort.

PT evaluation with a new lady- one that will come to our house, which is a nice perk. New phrase I learned today,"coordination disorder" SNORT. Hahaha. I just mean, come on now with some of this stuff. "I'm not saying he has it- however-" right. Gotcha.

I can't even get into how crazy today was- but I rocked it- I win at adulting. And doing the things. I need a day off, damnit, which isn't happening until Sunday. I wonder if I can get away without leaving my house or getting dressed all day. That sounds devine.

We've been binge watching Orphan Black from Amazon Prime and omg it's amazing. Tomorrow? Orange is the New Black, baby. And I also checked out four books from the library as well as still reading Game of Thrones. I don't know when I thought I'd have time for any of that.

Eh.

Also? Dolly Parton kick. I can't even tell you why.

Just gonna put this here and walk away.

More detail than my very vague post from last time. I just couldn't go into more detail at the time as I was still newly processing everything.

My mom has had migraines since she was in elementary school. She remembers being in 5th grade and going home because her migraines were so intense and they have continued to be intense her entire life. A couple of years ago she fell on some ice and landed on her head as well. And within the past year, since she fell, she's been having "episodes" (she wouldn't go into detail what that meant) so she finally had an MRI done. They have found a brain aneurysm, the size of a nut, in her right cortex. Her neurologist says she thinks my mom needs brain surgery because of how bad her symptoms have become within just the past year. However, she doesn't actually go to see a brain surgeon for another week and a half or so. They have scheduled the appointment for one an hour away instead of in town and they've already sent the new patient paperwork. If she does not have surgery she has been told that she has a very high chance of having a stroke.

I'm not sure what TYPE of aneurysm it is-- and that has me a little worried. Mostly because some aneurysms can be hereditary and since my son has a history of unexplained (infant) seizures already, this kinda scares the crap out of me. I've already mentioned this to his PCP and she informed me to find out the type and then she said and she would "do the rest of the work" and possibly "make a plan of action". And IF it is the hereditary type, maybe I should get check out at some point? I mean, I do have migraines occasionally but I'm not really that worried about myself as much as I am my son who has had seizures.

Hopefully it's not the hereditary type and hopefully it's the type that doesn't even need surgery. She hasn't heard directly from the surgeon if she'll need surgery yet, or if it just needs to be closely monitored or medicated. So, there is that. But the neurologist herself said SHE thought it did need surgery.

Also, I'm an only child. IF something horrific happens, I'm in charge of her. Her 82 year old father certainly won't be much help and her only brother in town is dealing with a 21 year old autistic child living at home and another child that attempted suicide (by trying to jump off of a bridge and had to be coxed down) and an extremely rocky marriage to boot; his hands are full and then some. Her sister is in town but she had five kids herself (mostly grown but I think she had two living with her). She's in Indiana. I'm in Texas. I need to move her down, even if that means she lives us, though I'm not sure how we would swing that. She's not even in her 60s yet but has always acted much, much older. She also has asthma (daily medication), IBS (daily medication), insomnia (nightly medication that should be able to put out a horse), severe depression (medicated, thank god. She was suicidal recently) and Fibromyalgia (also daily medication). Having to deal with her daily issues on top of my household would be a hell of a lot of stress. BUT WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO.

Not to mention our relationship is turbulent at best. We've gotten a little better recently... but we see each other maybe once a year. We have recently started to Skype and the kids have really gotten a kick out of that experience. I love her and she's my mom; I'll do what I have to do to make sure she's taken care of--I haven't worked that out financially yet but I know there are things I still need to research on that front.

Even IF everything turns out 100% OK-- eventually we have to have a plan to get her to Texas. Out of all my parents and my husband's parents, she's the one that we're going to be in charge of as she ages; it's just a fact.

I'm stressed.

Also, my husband's company officially switched companies on the 1st of the month. So he just learned that he will from here on out get paid on the 7th and the 22nd. We live pay check to pay check and rent is due, the latest, on the 3rd. I'm not sure how we're going to swing this every month. I just don't know.

Julian's behavior has been so atrocious this summer. Violent to the point of not wanting to leave the house unless I know for a fact we will be with friends who understand his limitations with over-stimulation.

I'm so stressed.

But one of my best friend's is moving back from Washington to Austin, so there is that-- that's great news, so that is cool.

Oye.

My head hurts. More coffee. Everyone has been talking about the Outlander series so I just bought the first two books in the series (my husband sold some books on ebay so he had money in paypal so there ya go. Book money!)-- hopefully it's an awesome series. I need to get lost in some books, man. For sure.

Debby downer is done ;)

Current Mood: stressed
Current Location: HOME
Current Music: Toy Story 1

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Current Mood: loved

Yaaaaay!!! My friend was found safe and sound. Not sure on the details but she's safe!!!

I keep forgetting about lj. I'm on Facebook and twitter more. Twitter a bunch these days, though that seems to go in phases. Anybody over there that I should add, that I already haven't? 'Cause really.

But. I chopped off 12 inches of my hair. TWELVE INCHES. That's kinda huge for me. I've had long hair forever. But I was tired of the length; it was always getting in my way and I was shedding something crazy anyway, and my husband doesn't really dig long hair. Plus, all I was doing was putting my hair up in a pony tail/bun. At least with short hair, I feel the urge to be more creative. So. It's still long enough to put into a teeny tiny pony tail, which is a must for me. I need to be able to put my hair back with I run. Even if the only running I've been doing is pretend. HAH. I miss running. I loved it, really. But I haven't had time lately. I need to make time.

BUT TWELVE INCHES.

I donated it to Locks of Love or whatever, so I feel better about doing that, at least. And now I'll grow it back out and chop it off in another five years; it's the cycle that I'm stuck on, I'm afraid. Or maybe I'll really dig it this time and keep it shorter.

The step dad character is STILL in the psych ward. His release date keeps getting pushed back. I wouldn't even want to even keep track of it personally, except that my mother constantly keeps me informed. I'm more interested how he'll be once he's back out. My mother keeps messaging the masses on facebook with things like, "IF HE COULD STRANGLE ME WHEN WE WERE MARRIED JUST THINK OF WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO WHEN WE'RE DIVORCED AND HE HATES ME." and then my personal favorite, "IF I'M MURDERED YOU KNOW WHO DID IT." But yet she sends me texts saying she's not concerned at all for her safety and if anything, she thinks he'll just off himself. So, um, there is that, whatever THAT is (besides a big mess and maybe her need for attention just showing slightly there, eh).

Audri started second grade yesterday. At a new school. Talk about another mess. My heart ached a little for her when she went on the bus today with tears in her eyes, "No body sat on the bus with me yesterday." I have a feeling she'll do better as time goes on. She told me she didn't meet "any friends" but then later, on the phone with my father she said, "I only met three or four people!" HAH! She is her father's child, man. Three or four people would be huge for me. I'm good with one or two, really.

That husband and I celebrated our EIGHT year anniversary over the weekend. My dad kept the big kids and my mother in law kept the little dude for a few hours. It was pretty nice. EIGHT years. I'm starting to feel old, yo.

Oh the boys are screaming. OOF. I have a feeling, this is going to be a long week of transitions. Longer than this damn entry. Adios!

I am not the voices in my head
I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside

Julian still sees a speech pathologist and a physical therapist. Twice a week for a total of four hours a week.

Today his speech pathologist suggested he get reevaluated for occupational therapy, but this time focusing on sensory issues. Specifically, Sensory integration (which is the new term for sensory processing disorder- SPD).

I'm flustered, I'll admit. Adding an extra therapy to our schedule means an extra two hours per week. Six hours of therapy every stupid week. Six. Hours.

But if he has SI and we can get him help? Yes. We'll do it. No questions, we do what is best for our children. And apparently this is considered a "special needs" thing? Huh. I guess that's relative.

I've checked out some websites and red flag signs to look at, and he does have a list of things on there. But what's to say he's not just a little quirky? Maybe that's just wishful thinking? Or maybe he won't need OT after all? We talk with her on Tuesday.

Specific things the therapist noticed? He's always wiggling, can't sit still, sometimes falls off the chair. Runs into walls on purpose. Chews on clothes and licks things. The crashing thing is apparently a big red flag.

Things I've noticed? Late speech/motor skills. Late potty training. Dumps out all the toys in the toy bin just to look at things. Likes to be loud. All. The. Time. Gets overstimulated socially. Aggressive outbursts... I could go on, actually.

See. Maybe if there were a couple of things, but it's a long list. Sigh.

This child. Always. Something. Always.

I'll bounce back tomorrow. There are worse things going on in the world,obviously. But sometimes? It's fucking exhausting being an advocate for your children.

Tomorrow is another day, ho hum.

I stopped taking my antidepressant/anti anxiety meds. I'm just tired of them. And I'm stopping at a time where if I need to go back on them,I have plenty of them left. Do I really need those stupid pills to make me feel normal? Or are they a crutch to lean on? I don't know. Plus I'm tired of feeling exhausted all the time and numb, numb, numb. I couldn't cry if I tried right now. And I can't create anything, either. Which really bothers me. I'm taking up space being numb and bored. I miss feeling passionate about little things in life.

Meh. Hopefully this won't back fire and turn into a melodramatic mess. But if that happens,I have months left worth of pills sitting around. Eh.

I haven't taken one pill in three days? Four? No serious withdrawal symptom, which I'm thankful for. My eyes are having a more difficult time focusing but that's really it. Hopefully the headaches don't start. Meh.

Life. I would like to feel something please. Without being self destructive or dumb.

Julian has been acting up, as I've mentioned before. I brought it up to his doctor and she said she'd refer him to a counselor. I explained this to my husband and his response was, "I think it's a boy thing, really. Boys just act differently."

REALLY? You're basically saying that HIS PENIS is the justification for acting up? (I wrote and deleted a few different ends to that sentence but then I realized I didn't want to actually call my son an asshole. BUT THE THOUGHT WAS THERE PEOPLE). Why do people say that expression? And more than one person has told me this too, not just my husband. WHY? HIS PENIS CONTROLS HIS ACTIONS. Really, people? REALLLLY?

My main question is: How can you tell the difference between a challenging child and one that has a behavior issue and needs to be addressed by a professional?

His doctor told me we needed to take things in baby steps. We're not ruling out ADHD or even "being on the spectrum" but she's not comfortable putting labels on him. As I'm not comfortable with labels, either.

I mentioned all of this to both his Speech pathologist and Physical therapist. The speech pathologist said she would have told me if she had concerns in those area and thinks most of his behavior issues stem from poor transitioning skills to new things (like, you know, a big move) and his AGE (bless her for not blaming his penis). His physical therapist pretty much said he needed more discipline (maybe I overreact and show too much emotion? Am I not being consistent enough?) but also he'd do what he could to have him interact with more kids, too, to see how he does.

I'm concerned with his social skills-- he's fine when it's him and say, one friend, but if it's more than that, he does not do well. But how do I help him interact with other kids without the deep concern of being that kid on the playground that beats your kid up? Am I raising the next bully here?

My main concerns:

He gets overstimulated with too many kids around. He'll act out aggressively. Bites. Hits. Scratches. Kicks. Pinches. Whatever he can do to express himself aggressively, he does it. When he can't verbally express or articulate a thought process, he also poorly reacts. He was slow to talk. Slow to walk. Seizures in infancy (which maybe this means nothing at all but it's always in the back of my mind). He does not listen to directions that well at all, but I think that is an age thing there.

He can also be so sweet. He makes eye contact. He smiles. He does show emotion. He tells me he loves me. He can be like a "normal" kid, too. But when is acting up a problem and more of a situation that needs professional help?

I feel like a shitty parent. And mostly, I feel guilty. HE is the baby that I really had a really bad case of postpartum depression and anxiety. HE is the baby that I couldn't even leave the house without a panic attack and feeling like I was going to kill him in some bizarrely horrible car crash or drop him on his head at Target. HE was the baby that I first started taking Zoloft. And HE is the child that has the most issues, behaviorally. Was I distant when he was a baby? Did I ignore his cues? Was I too stuck in my own bullshit head and depression to not show enough love to my son? What if I am the culprit to these behavioral issues.

Maybe I am.

But I am also going to try my best to get him the help. And to make sure I tell him I love him. All. The. Time.

Current Mood: complacent

We moved on Saturday. It went pretty smoothly and it's amazing having more space. We love the house, love, love, love.

Husband's grandfather passed away on Saturday. We were short if expecting it, but it's still hard.

Between the two of us, we've lost three grandparents in the past year.

Audri stayed home from school Monday and Tuesday, with a virus.

My mom comes into town, hopefully, tomorrow night. Apparently she's under a snow storm advisory so we'll see...

Busy, busy. Life is good.

This weekend we spent the majority of it trying to find a new place to live. Rent in Austin has gone up so drastically, it's ridiculous. You wouldn't think it'd be difficult to find a place under 1200 for three bedrooms, but it is, even apartments, which is just absurd.

So, we started looking in the outskirts of Austin. And we found a place that we just love, in Georgetown. We put in an application last night. It's just beautiful. Two story house, 1800 square feet, and it's just a block away from one of my husband's friends (that he works with and that has kids). And that works out well because his wife is pregnant and will need a full time nanny when the baby is born. I've had a break from nanny work but I wouldn't mind picking it back up again, man. Not at all. Also? CAR POOLING. Which is a plus since it's not close to his work, at all. I do dig Georgetown, too. It's just a cute little town. The library is just amazing (I'm a nerd, I know, but that is important to me, haha), and the people seem to be so friendly. My husband actually grew up in Georgetown and ended up knowing one of the relaters we were working with, hah. He wasn't too thrilled with the idea of moving back but if we get this house? Totally worth it. Man it's just awesome. And it's only 80 bucks more than what we're paying right now, which is kinda sweet. The only thing that could screw us is the credit check. But man, if we have good credit: WE'D BE BUYING A HOUSE. Hello. Sigh. I'm crossing fingers and toes, thinking happy thoughts, and praying that we get this house. otherwise? I have no idea where we'll move. Because if we get turned down for this one? Chances are, we'll get rejected most other places, too.

Besides being thirty plus minutes from husband's work, the other draw back is that we'd need to move in the first of March. Oye. I don't even HAVE BOXES yet. I'm trying not to freak out yet... but we need to start packing. And by me, I mostly mean: ME, of course. In between taking kids to therapy sessions and school and the normal day to day crap that is domestic life.

My mom is coming to visit March 8-14. Which may be good timing or crap timing for this move. We'll see, I suppose. She sent us a book in the mail that she made from shutterfly. All pictures of my grandmother that passed away. And it's sweet that she thought of us-- it's kinda cute. Kinda, I don't know... hmm. I don't want to seem ungrateful at all but the woman is worse than I am at grammar. Hah. It's a cute book though and I dig it.

Oye. I need boxes. Stat.

Julian has now been having mysterious leg pain for a week now. Like crawling and crying pain when he first wakes up. Both legs. I give him Advil and he walks again but still complains. Then when the Advil wears off, he's back to crawling.

Pediatrician today. Blood work tomorrow, after his physical therapy evaluation and after his speech therapy appointment (thankfully my mother in law is taking Audri for the day so at least it's one less child to deal with). orthopedic specialist at some point but it takes months to get in.

It's frustrating to see your child in pain with out an idea of how to make it go away and stay away. They think it could be a flare up of what he had last time, though they weren't expecting it to come back. It could be arthritis that just didn't show up last time. They don't think it's "growing pains" because of his age and extreme pain. Dude. I just want him better.

My mom texted me yesterday morning that her roommate had kicked her out. 12 hours later she texts me saying she found an apartment she likes and is staying with her dad for the night. For someone who claims to hate drama so much, she sure does have a lot of it recently, sheesh.

Also? I can finally fit into ALL my pre pregnancy Jeans. This makes me happy. Well, Jeans before I had Jonah. 3 sizes to go and 19 pounds before I get to my weight and size before I had Audri. I finally think it's doable, though. In January, right after I had Jonah, that seemed like an impossible goal. Now it's reachable. I have hit a weight plateau, again, but the manager of the gym approached me the other day and asked if I'd be interested in a free boot camp workout class. UH, yes, yes I would be interested. I'm hoping that'll give me the extra push I need to keep on keeping on and break this goofy plateau. And maybe I'll go back to counting calories again, too, eh.

Good things, man, good things.

Still in need of a better job for husband but we're working in it....

Hope all my mama friends had an amazing Mother's Day yesterday.

I know I did...

Audri made me a card and a pinch pot from school. Very cute. Then husband picked up a Starbucks gift card (my favorite thing, really), fudge dipped oreos, and a really cool new water bottle to take to the gym (it's purple and has a filter in it- yes, I'm easy to please, haha). And while I was at the gym, he managed to clean the entire kitchen. Score.

Yes. Yesterday was very good day.

My grandmother passed away this morning, peacefully.

The hospice nurse was correct after all.

Oh and Audri has strep. I was at the doctor when my mom called AND LEFT ME A VOICEMAIL about her passing.

What a day.