ohyes_that_girl: (Ani Difranco)
[personal profile] ohyes_that_girl
Julian has been acting up, as I've mentioned before. I brought it up to his doctor and she said she'd refer him to a counselor. I explained this to my husband and his response was, "I think it's a boy thing, really. Boys just act differently."

REALLY? You're basically saying that HIS PENIS is the justification for acting up? (I wrote and deleted a few different ends to that sentence but then I realized I didn't want to actually call my son an asshole. BUT THE THOUGHT WAS THERE PEOPLE). Why do people say that expression? And more than one person has told me this too, not just my husband. WHY? HIS PENIS CONTROLS HIS ACTIONS. Really, people? REALLLLY?

My main question is: How can you tell the difference between a challenging child and one that has a behavior issue and needs to be addressed by a professional?

His doctor told me we needed to take things in baby steps. We're not ruling out ADHD or even "being on the spectrum" but she's not comfortable putting labels on him. As I'm not comfortable with labels, either.

I mentioned all of this to both his Speech pathologist and Physical therapist. The speech pathologist said she would have told me if she had concerns in those area and thinks most of his behavior issues stem from poor transitioning skills to new things (like, you know, a big move) and his AGE (bless her for not blaming his penis). His physical therapist pretty much said he needed more discipline (maybe I overreact and show too much emotion? Am I not being consistent enough?) but also he'd do what he could to have him interact with more kids, too, to see how he does.

I'm concerned with his social skills-- he's fine when it's him and say, one friend, but if it's more than that, he does not do well. But how do I help him interact with other kids without the deep concern of being that kid on the playground that beats your kid up? Am I raising the next bully here?

My main concerns:

He gets overstimulated with too many kids around. He'll act out aggressively. Bites. Hits. Scratches. Kicks. Pinches. Whatever he can do to express himself aggressively, he does it. When he can't verbally express or articulate a thought process, he also poorly reacts. He was slow to talk. Slow to walk. Seizures in infancy (which maybe this means nothing at all but it's always in the back of my mind). He does not listen to directions that well at all, but I think that is an age thing there.

He can also be so sweet. He makes eye contact. He smiles. He does show emotion. He tells me he loves me. He can be like a "normal" kid, too. But when is acting up a problem and more of a situation that needs professional help?

I feel like a shitty parent. And mostly, I feel guilty. HE is the baby that I really had a really bad case of postpartum depression and anxiety. HE is the baby that I couldn't even leave the house without a panic attack and feeling like I was going to kill him in some bizarrely horrible car crash or drop him on his head at Target. HE was the baby that I first started taking Zoloft. And HE is the child that has the most issues, behaviorally. Was I distant when he was a baby? Did I ignore his cues? Was I too stuck in my own bullshit head and depression to not show enough love to my son? What if I am the culprit to these behavioral issues.

Maybe I am.

But I am also going to try my best to get him the help. And to make sure I tell him I love him. All. The. Time.
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